Listening to silence
by zyniker
Summary: Aftermath of Abyss. Jack goes home.


Disclaimers: I don't own anything. Just made up.

**Listening to silence**

It was almost midnight when he could finally leave the infirmary. He had waited so long for Janet to leave long enough for him to sneak out. And now he was almost home, and he wondered why he did it. There was nothing waiting for him at home, but his own troubled mind, a lot of darkness and no escape. In the infirmary he could bug Janet, at least.

He shocked his head at himself. _Sure, just fool yourself, old man_. He was restless. And he hated it. He hated when his body tried to run from his mind, cause it was never fast enough.

He climbed out of the car and walked up his own drive-way.

"Sara!" And for a moment he was surprised. And in the next moment he wasn't, because he was too tired. _Maybe the sarcophagus had indeed eaten at your soul, if you weren't surprised by your ex-wife sitting on your front porch in the middle of the night after the worst week in your life._ This thought almost made him smile, if he would have been just a tad more cynical. There was no worse or worst in war. And he'd seen enough war to know for sure.

"I didn't come empty handed", she said and shoved a brown paper bag towards him. Beer and her old tobacco pouch.

"You don't want me to forget why I married you", he mumbled. She didn't say anything and he sat down next to her.

"Why are you here, Sara?" He asked and he sounded so hollow he wasn't surprised when she flinched.

"Your CO called. Said you had a really tough week and maybe shouldn't be alone tonight. And I thought if he calls your ex-wife it must be pretty bad. But I can leave, if you want to."

"Don't." He said simply.

"'Kay", she answered and he gave her the small leather pouch. He had given it to her in another life. When they both were still young and didn't care about cancer and shit. She rolled him one perfect smoke. He could feel her eyes resting on him when he lit it.

The burning smoke in his lungs reminded him of a time when she tasted like that and spring every time they kissed. For a moment he wondered why she kept on smoking the same cheap tobacco for more than 30 years now, except the years in which they were a real family.

He opened a bottle of beer and drank it halfway in one go.

"Easy, Jack, doesn't help", she whispered so he could ignore her if he wanted to.

"So what does?" He asked instead, not looking at her. He didn't want her to see his eyes, because if she'd see his eyes, she'd know everything. She'd know his body was fine, but his mind was broken.

"Never knew", she answered and pulled her knees up to her chest.

_Always listening to silence, ain't you,_ he thought. And then he just sat in silence and wondered why this time had been so different. Why did words like worst suddenly appear? It wasn't like it's been the first time he was tortured for information he didn't really have. And the pain hadn't been worse, too. Yeah, tough, Baal wasn't crueller than the Iraqis.

And then he opened his mouth. "I was among the dead", he said. He said it because she wouldn't ask and she wouldn't try to understand. But he felt her little hand holding his. "And I wanted to stay with them. I didn't want to come back."

With the grace and efficiency of an old soldier he got up and ran to the bathroom. She followed him and rubbed his back while he puked his soul out. When he was done he sat down next to the toilet bowl. His body was shaking. Carefully she cleaned him, helped him rinse his mouth and guided him to bed.

"You're staying", he whispered.

She laid her hand gently against his cheek. "I've seen your eyes."

_Eyes of a ghost_, he thought and didn't watch her getting undressed. "You'll always come back", she said and her voice was so hoarse that he barely heard it.

"Always?" He asked as she crawled into bed with him.

"As long as you're fighting. And you don't know anything else." It sounded so simple. But he didn't give a damn. She was wrapping herself around him like a blanket. And in this mixture of warmth, sweet smell and soft skin the tears started to fall. And he didn't mind. He didn't mind every sob that shock his whole body. He didn't mind her moving with those sobs so she could stay close to him. He didn't mind her not wanting to let go.

So he cried for himself who wasn't anymore. He cried for the ghost he had become. He cried himself to sleep. And she watched over his sleep, started to whisper before the nightmares came. "Stay", he whispered back once.

And she didn't answer, just kept reassuring him he was safe now. It was one of the most peaceful nights he had had in years. She fell asleep when he was about to wake up. And she woke again when he moved.

"Morning", she mumbled, not much of a morning person. He watched her as she got up in the search for coffee. He still had her cheap instant coffee. And he didn't know why.

"What is that?" He asked when they both sat down and waved his hand between them.

"Your eyes didn't use to be that dark", she said. And if she wouldn't have been his ex-wife he would have tried to find an excuse for the whimpering mess he was last night. But she was and he didn't.

"I know", he said. "It's been a lot of tough weeks the past years."

She nodded. "Seen those scars."

He hadn't. He had made a point of not looking as his own body anymore. And also not spending too much time in his own mind. Years ago his mind was good companion. Like most soldiers and all PoW's he had a whole set of mind games. He just didn't play them anymore. Now he tried to keep his mind blank, so much not even Baal's sarcophagus didn't make much difference.

He handed her the coffee mug back. "So?"

She lit another smoke. "Dunno, Jack. But you didn't come back." She sounded so defeated.

"Help me, Sara", he pleaded. He didn't want to plead, but he also didn't want to remember anymore. Sara could keep him from remembering, at least sometimes.

She got up and gave him a sad smile. "Never worked."

He watched her walk down his driveway to her own car. And he wanted to scream: I SAVED THIS GODDAMN WORLD AGAIN AND AGAIN. NOW SAVE ME!!!!

But he didn't. He just finished the beer from yesterday. Still didn't help.


End file.
